Too lazy to watch the new trailer for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? Then never fear! In the spirit of public service, I’ve digested the trailer so you don’t have to, and vomited up a painstakingly exact transcription of the trailer’s events just for you.

Scene 1:

Superman (as Clark Kent): Hello Bruce Wayne.

Batman (as Bruce Wayne): Hello Superman.

Superman: I am not Superman. I am the mild-mannered Clark Kent, an investigative journalist for the Daily Planet.

Batman: My mistake.

Superman: Yes.

Batman: If it wasn’t for your glasses, I could have sworn you were Supe-

Superman: No.

Batman: Okay.

Scene 2:

 Alfred: We are at war, Batman.

Batman: Okay, but where is Michael Caine?

Alfred: What?

 Batman: You are not Alfred. You are Jeremy Irons. I want Michael Caine.

Alfred: But, I-

Batman: Bye.

As Batman leaves the camera zooms in to Alfred’s face. A slow tear traces its way down his cheek.

Scene 3:

Batman: I don’t like you because you are bad.

Superman: I don’t like you because you think I am bad and you are wrong about thinking I am bad.

Batman: Let’s fight.

Superman: Okay.

Scene 4:

Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor (whose long hair and squeaky voice channel James Blunt circa 2005) makes a Bad Thing in his laboratory, stroking its forehead and singing to it softly.

Lex Blunt (singing): You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true.

Bad Thing: Uffmmggg.

Lex Blunt lays a loving finger on the Bad Thing’s lips.

Lex Blunt: Shh. Shhhh.

Scene 5:

Bad Thing: I am a Bad Thing, and I will do Bad Things.

Batman: Oh no.

Bad Thing: Yes.

 Batman (to Superman): Look at that Bad Thing. Maybe we should punch that instead of each other, and then we will find common ground and form a grudging camaraderie that our pride will only allow us to express to each other in the form of witty repartee.

Superman: Yes. That all sounds fine.

Batman: Okay.

Wonder Woman: Not so fast boys.

Superman (to Batman): Who’s that?

Batman: I honestly do not even know or care.

Superman: Okay.

The end.

Oh, go on then. Here’s the trailer anyway:

WORDS: ANDY CAIN

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