Too lazy to watch the new trailer for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? Then never fear! In the spirit of public service, I’ve digested the trailer so you don’t have to, and vomited up a painstakingly exact transcription of the trailer’s events just for you.
Superman (as Clark Kent): Hello Bruce Wayne.
Batman (as Bruce Wayne): Hello Superman.
Superman: I am not Superman. I am the mild-mannered Clark Kent, an investigative journalist for the Daily Planet.
Batman: My mistake.
Batman: If it wasn’t for your glasses, I could have sworn you were Supe-
Alfred: We are at war, Batman.
Batman: Okay, but where is Michael Caine?
Batman: You are not Alfred. You are Jeremy Irons. I want Michael Caine.
Alfred: But, I-
As Batman leaves the camera zooms in to Alfred’s face. A slow tear traces its way down his cheek.
Batman: I don’t like you because you are bad.
Superman: I don’t like you because you think I am bad and you are wrong about thinking I am bad.
Batman: Let’s fight.
Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor (whose long hair and squeaky voice channel James Blunt circa 2005) makes a Bad Thing in his laboratory, stroking its forehead and singing to it softly.
Lex Blunt (singing): You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true.
Bad Thing: Uffmmggg.
Lex Blunt lays a loving finger on the Bad Thing’s lips.
Lex Blunt: Shh. Shhhh.
Bad Thing: I am a Bad Thing, and I will do Bad Things.
Batman: Oh no.
Bad Thing: Yes.
Batman (to Superman): Look at that Bad Thing. Maybe we should punch that instead of each other, and then we will find common ground and form a grudging camaraderie that our pride will only allow us to express to each other in the form of witty repartee.
Superman: Yes. That all sounds fine.
Wonder Woman: Not so fast boys.
Superman (to Batman): Who’s that?
Batman: I honestly do not even know or care.
Oh, go on then. Here’s the trailer anyway:
WORDS: ANDY CAIN
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