Star Wars: The Force Awakens is now fast approaching its 17 December UK release date, and yet we still know very little about its plot. J. J. Abrams has remained secretively hunched over his creation for months now, occasionally throwing casting information and mysterious trailers our way, but not really providing us with anything more than the film’s bare bones. Any of its really meaty details are being jealously guarded. The absence of Luke Skywalker from any officially released material, for example, has thrown the creatures of the internet into a frenzy of frothy-mouthed speculation: maybe he’s dead, they howl, or maybe he’s turned to the dark side!
But do you know who else is missing?
Jar Jar Binks.
…Coincidence? Or is something else going on here? Something…stranger? Something…more wonderful? Surely this can only mean one thing? I know you’re thinking of it too. It’s an inescapable conclusion, after all. It means that Luke and Jar Jar Binks must run away together. At the very beginning of the film. In a scene that will probably (definitely) look something like this:
LUKE: So I guess what I’m tryna say here, Jar Jar, is…I love you.
Jar Jar Binks looks blank, and says nothing.
Jar Jar…look, I’m just a boy, standing in front of a – (he looks Jar Jar up and down) – a thing, asking it to love him… Run away with me. Let’s leave this rough ol’ galaxy behind. Just you and me, against the world – whaddya say?
JAR JAR BINKS: Meesa Jar Jar Binks.
LUKE: (sobbing with emotion) Oh Jar Jar, I knew you’d understand.
One of the things we do know about The Force Awakens is that Carrie Fisher’s Leia and Harrison Ford’s Han Solo will return – in one of the trailers, for example, we see them share a touching embrace:
LEIA: Oh Han, you’re so moody and badass.
HAN SOLO: I know, right? And some might say I’m also quite – (he turns to the camera, raising a roguish eyebrow) – Han-some.
LEIA: Hold me.
HAN SOLO: You bet.
They embrace. Han grabs Leia’s bum and winks at the camera.
Chewbacca enters, wearing a flowery apron and bearing a tray of tea and biscuits.
HAN SOLO: Not now, Chewie! I’m tryna canoodle here!
Chewbacca trudges away, head downcast.
We can also be sure that there will be a lot of portentous mutterings about something called “the Force”, which can make people do Evil Things. We’ve already seen in Episode III, for example, the Force’s influence change Anakin from a Surfer-Dude-Haired-Charm-Boy to Crazy-Eyed-Child-Killer in a short space of time:
PADME: Oh Annie, you’re such a wavy-haired dreamboat.
ANAKIN: Look at all these children I’ve killed.
PADME: I want a divorce.
And we’ve also seen that it is because of the Jedi’s zealous devotion to this mysterious “Force” that Anakin’s love for Padme is forbidden:
ANAKIN: Yo that Padme chick is mighty fine, you dig me?
OBI-WAN: You’re right there, pal – but you must never act on your feelings for her.
ANAKIN: But wh-
OBI-WAN: The Force.
ANAKIN: I don’t unders-
OBI-WAN: The Force.
ANAKIN: …Aw man, I hate celibacy!
In a little known* deleted scene, however, we learn that the Jedi code against romantic/sexual entanglements is not as strict as we might think:
OBI-WAN: Woah, hold your horses! Who said anything about celibacy?
ANAKIN: But you said-
OBI-WAN: I was only talking about women, man! As far as the Jedi are concerned a bit of man-on-man action is A-OK!
Obi-Wan winks and throws open the door behind him to reveal a massive rave in the Jedi Council chamber. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and a group of exclusively male Jedi, all sporting vests and moustaches, are dancing to The Village People’s ‘YMCA’. Yoda, also inexplicably moustachioed, is performing an impressively nimble pole-dance in the centre of the room.
OBI-WAN: Come and join the fun, stud.
Obi-Wan ushers Anakin inside and slaps his bum as the door closes behind them.
This scene sadly never made the final cut of Episode III (possibly because of its grossly offensive perpetuation of gay stereotypes), but something of its modern spirit has resurfaced with The Force Awakens.
In marked contrast to the white male dominance of the original trilogy, the main characters here appear to be a young woman named Rey, played by Daisy Ridley, and Finn, a black Stormtrooper played by John Boyega. Lupita Nyong’o and Gwendoline Christie provide further female presence in the supporting cast, with the latter playing a female Stormtrooper known as Captain Phasma. This, naturally, begs the question of what would happen if a Romeo and Juliet situation developed and a starry-eyed rebel soldier falls hopelessly in love with Captain Phasma when they meet on the battlefield:
REBEL SOLDIER DAVE: Oh Captain Phasma, with thy form so sweet,
Thou art the gentlest creature that e’er I did meet.
CAPTAIN PHASMA: Die, rebel scum.
Captain Phasma shoots Rebel Soldier Dave three times.
REBEL SOLDIER DAVE: (gasping in pain) ‘Tis an honour…to die by thy fair hand…m’lady.
Rebel Soldier Dave dies.**
But whatever The Force Awakens is really like – even if it fails to live up to its promising trailers, and consists of nothing more than Chewbacca staring at himself mournfully in the mirror for two hours – it already looks well placed to become one of the highest-grossing films of all time. The plot details may be scarce, but because it has ‘Star Wars’ in its name financial success is guaranteed.
For now, though, I leave you with this:
Chewbacca enters his apartment and locks the door behind him. He absently unties his flowery apron and lets it fall to the floor. Slumping down in front of his desk, he pours himself a glass of scotch and downs it in one. He sighs. Slowly, he reaches up to stroke a framed picture of Han Solo that has pride of place on his desk (with a dedication that simply reads “Always xoxo”) – before he pushes it roughly away.
The picture smashes on the floor, and Chewbacca closes his eyes. After a few seconds they open, and Chewbacca considers the reflection in the mirror before him. Looking into the deep, black pools of his own eyes, Chewbacca considers love, loss, and the transiency of all things.
For two hours the only movement is the slow ticking of the clock and the even slower trickling of tears down Chewbacca’s face.
Fade to black.
* “Little known” because it may not, strictly speaking, actually exist.
** If any of the Star Wars producers happen to be reading this and feel tempted to develop this into a feature length spin-off film (provisionally entitled Captain Phasma: She Don’t Need No Man), please don’t hesitate to give me a call.
WORDS: ANDY CAIN
Like the cut of Andy’s jib? Check out his dissection of the ‘Batman v Superman’ trailer.